How do I start this blog…how do I begin to explain the title “Happiness Followed by Hidden or Maybe Not So Hidden Sadness.” I was so happy on 2.2.22 when at 60 years old I became a Mrs. and then 10 days later I lost my father when God called him home to be with Him and my brother.
Truthfully, I don’t know what we (my mother and I) would have done without my now husband during the last few months. When my father became seriously ill in January, it was my husband who stepped up to help my mother care for my father while I sadly sating in this #wheelchair 🦼 unable to help care for my father.
In my head I know I should be happy…I’m married to an amazing man that actually loves me, me for me! Yet my head silently asks, “does he love me for me still?” or “why would he still really love me when we no longer can do so many things because of my unexpected #paralysis?” Then my heart jumps in and says, “YES, YES he loves you for you!” So then why am I so sad…why am I so unhappy? All of my family and friends say it is so obvious how much he loves me. In my heart of hearts I still can’t get past how much this wonderful man got stuck having to do because that 🤬 surgery gone wrong left me #paralyzed! I’m still angry nearly 6 years later!
If I am truly honest with myself, I have been very unhappy and quietly very sad for the last 6 years, but nobody has noticed. My sadness is everywhere I turn , it’s there when I’m reminded by family members that I’m NOT ABLE to help my 83 year old mother clean out closets, it’s there when I’m reminded I CAN’T do my mom’s laundry, etc., it’s there when I WASN’T ABLE to reach my father to kiss him good-bye, it’s there when I CAN’T get myself or anyone a cup of coffee, it’s there where I CAN’T be or go ANYWHERE without my now husband for any length of time because I need him to help me use the bathroom; the truth is, I CAN’T escape it, it’s there, my sadness, everyday, every minute of everyday. I’ve been sad everyday ever since that fateful day in June 2016 when surgery gone wrong basically ended my life.
I guess my father’s passing has somehow uncovered many feelings that I somehow was able to cover. You know how it is, on the surface, everything looks to be going along just fine but the truth lies deep beneath the surface just waiting for a reason to make another visible appearance. Loosing my father was extremely hard for me, hard because obviously I love him and will miss him but hard too because I was forced to again see reality… forced to again publicly see all the things I CAN’T do in front of people.
I don’t know how to get past my own limitations and #disabilities now. I feel we got jipped of what could have been a wonderful life. How do I move forward, not just visibly look okay, but really be okay, on the inside…how do I accept? Can I ever be truly happy again?
As always, I wish you a journey filled with exploring new people, places and things – take time to learn from and enjoy each new adventure along your way!
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