My Heart Is Broken. . .

Today is really hard. Today my mother (who is 81) called me at 9:00 am crying because my father (who is 83) has been awake since 4:00 am calling for me. My father is on oxygen 24/7 and while he has not officially been diagnosed with dementia, it is clear he has a degree of dementia. My heart is literally broken 💔

Thankfully my honey was finally granted permission to continue to work from home until the end of the year which enabled me to be able to go over to my parents as soon as my mother called, if not for him, I would not have been able to get to them.

The thing that hit me hard today was how much I HATE that I am no longer able to hug 🤗 my parents. We get to my parents and my mother is crying in the kitchen and my father is laying in bed. My father is not able to really walk, he can’t see due to macular degeneration and glaucoma and he can’t hear due to a career of working in construction so I should be able to WALK over to his bedside and hug him but I can’t thanks to that fateful day in June 2016 when surgery gone wrong left me #paralyzed! I’m sad and😞 I’m angry 😠!

Sadly my father is starting to talk to people that aren’t there or have already passed away. Even more sad is my mother telling me that my father is calling for me, saying I can lay down beside him and he will share his blanket so I don’t catch phenomena. My poor mother herself struggles to walk due to severe arthritis, and I’m stuck in this #wheelchair.

It’s hard for me to just sit here and not be able to do anything. I want to much to hug them both. I didn’t want to leave but my mother told me and my honey to go home, they would be okay the rest of the day, I cried 😢 all the way home.

Seeing my father not able to hear me and not able to realize I’m there with him next to his bed is heartbreaking. It’s so very hard to watch as he slowly deteriorates. I hope my father knows how much I love him. I hope he knows I was even there today. I hope he knows how much I appreciate the life he gave me. I hope he knows how very grateful I am that he is my Dad! 👨‍👧 I hope he knows I will never forget. . .I will always remember, remember his guidance, support, and love.

As always, I wish you days filled with strong WONDER – take a minute to WONDER what it is that made you smile today!

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4 thoughts on “My Heart Is Broken. . .

  1. Oh No, I am so very sorry. Do not fear that he didn’t know you were there today. He knew and he knows how much you love him & he remembers how much he has loved you since the day you were born.
    So today, do not “wonder if” because it is so. Sadly however, your “if only I could”, cannot be. May your dad find peace, love and comfort within his memories and from your mom’s loving care. I know how much you want to do, wish you could do, but can’t. My heart goes out to you and your mom. I’ve been thru this twice. Heartbreaking in so many ways. Thankful for your “honey.”

  2. I am so so saddened by this message. My heart broke just to read what happened. I feel sad for Your mother, my aunt, who has given so much in her life and is now doing this alone. Most of her sisters and brothers are gone too, it has to be awful. I am sure your Dad, my Uncle felt your presence. That’s why he calls for you. In his heart and mind he is still carrying for you as he did all your life. You have had great parents and don’t worry both he and your Mom know your love for them. You to have showed it to them all your life. I just got their thanksgiving card ready. Strange how they were on my mind today. You do what you can as you always do. They understand.i wish I knew of a w/c that could give you mobility. I look all the time on line. Know they love you as they know you love them. I love them and you. God bless all mj

  3. It’s heartbreaking for all sides when one is not able to give the love we wish to and also how even when you can it can be easily forgotten by those suffering from memory loss, dementia and alzheimer’s. hopefully a cure will be found in our lifetime (???) I imagine that your dad has moments of beautiful memories of his little girl and in those moments, he feels your hugs and kisses. I am sending you positive vibes for strength as your challenges are many but remember you are still quite blessed and above all loved.

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