I’m not okay, or at least, I’m not who I was before, before losing my joy, my energy, my zest for life, my love of the changing seasons, my enjoyment in decorating, before losing me,
me as I was, now I’m left with this person I don’t recognize.
I’m #paralyzed, I’m not okay with not being able to do getting out of bed on my own, I’m not okay with not being able to go to the bathroom on my own, I’m not okay having to sell my car because I I am no longer able to drive it, I’m not okay with having to have a stranger in my house all day to see to my every need while my honey is at work, I’m not okay with not physically being able to help my aging parents and drive them to their doctor appointments or pick up their prescriptions, I’m not okay with not being able to take my mother our for lunch on Mother’s day for some much needed mother/daughter quality time, I’m not okay with not being able to go to a store for valentines, birthday, holiday cards, etc. I could go on and on and on about what I’m not okay with but, truth is, it’s not going to change. My parents told me many years ago when I was a child, “the world isn’t going to change for me so figure out a way …”
IT’S OKAY TO SAY PLEASE STOP ASKING
The one major way I’ve found for me to not dwell on my now limited life was when I finally, very matter of factly, asked my friends/family to please stop asking, stop asking me if I have any feeling, stop asking if I have any movement, just stop asking. Each time they asked it was another reminder of what I lost, what I no longer have, what I can no longer do, so please stop. I reminded them that if I was to ever regain movement or feeling I’d be so excited I’d be shouting from the rooftops and they’d know the good news, but until then, please stop.
MAKING IT OKAY
What use to be important, no longer is and what wasn’t important suddenly is. Before, if the TV remote wasn’t put in the same place, it was okay; now, if it’s not ALWAYS left where I can reach it ON MY OWN/independently without asking someone to hand it to me, it isn’t okay. Before, if the dishes didn’t get put away immediately after being washed it wasn’t okay, now, because I rely on my honey to do ALL the cleaning, cooking, etc., in between his full time job, they’ll get put away in time, they are always cleaned after using they just may sit in drain a bit longer, IT’S OKAY!
As always, I wish you days filled with wonder – take a minute to wonder what it is that made you smile today!
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I am happy your learning to look at what you do have and starting to focus in that direction. I am so happy to get to know you. I know your a beautiful person who has to deal with a unthinkable situation and I wish I could make it go away. But your charm and personality shines as you deal with this one day at a time.
God Bless you
Nancy
I just read all your posts. You have all the right in the world to feel the way you do. And I’m very glad that you write it down and share it with others. You got me thinking I wonder what would it be like if something like that happen to me I think I would feel exactly like you. I’m blessed to have you as a friend you are an incredible writer I really enjoy your blogs and I’m looking forward to read more. Don’t ever be a afraid to write your feelings down. Keep smiling sweetie I love you you crazy friend Eileen. From upstate New York