I know the title sounds depressing to many but for me, sadly 😔 it’s the truth, the brutal truth. Sometimes I feel like I should receive an academy award for portraying my “old self,” the other me, the happy me, the outgoing me, the adventurous me, the active me, the me before #paralysis and life in this damn #wheelchair 🦼
Logically I know that #acceptance is the key to my happiness, but I don’t know how to get there. It’s been 4 1/2 years since surgery gone wrong left me a #parpalegic, #paralyzed from the waist down and last night I cried 😢 myself to sleep, again…
I have never read so many blogs, IG posts, Facebook pages of other wheelchairs users in my entire life as I have the last 4 1/2 years and I find myself jealous and in awe of their lives, of course they are all average height people in wheelchairs, not any little people because I don’t know of any and I’ve had doctors tell me they don’t know of anyone either, so where does that leave me. . .alone.
While I’m happy so many wheelchair users are able to live independently, travel easily, and seemingly enjoy their lives, I’m also sad that I haven’t found a way for me to enjoy life. I watch Jenny Smith of Jenny Smith Rolls On as she maneuvers around her kitchen and I noticed how easily she was able to open her refrigerator and reach in to get what she needed, I can’t do that. I’ve watched countless video of people, people like Chelsie Hill, transferring themselves from their wheelchair to a sofa, to a bed or believe it or not, their chair to the toilet, all of which I can’t do. Chelsie also shared a video highlighting a little of what her day is like, wow, she can make the bed 🛏️, she can transfer herself in/out of her car and DRIVE 🚗, go grocery shopping alone 🛒, towards the end of the video Chelsie is cleaning the house with her husband and she is cleaning the coffee table, rolling under kitchen sink washing dishes, etc. again, I can’t. Now, some may say or feel, yippee, can’t clean, can’t do dishes, can’t cook, can’t do laundry but I miss those things, those things gave me purpose, gave me something to do.
So for now, every day is the same for me, nothing different. Every day my honey works from 9-5 at our dinning room table while I just sit and play games on phone, write these blogs, watch a little TV (not a big fan of daytime TV). After my honey is done working he gets our dinner (while I continue to sit) which is usually something quick and simple, then he cleans up any dishes (while I continue to sit). By this time it’s about 7:30 and my honey will walk our dog; I can’t even do that with him because our complex isn’t flat and has speed bumps and dips which I can’t roll on comfortably alone and with our dog on the leash he can’t push me and hold leash so our dog doesn’t get mixed up in my wheels. When the weather is warmer we do sometimes go to Croton Landing Park which is a beautiful spot along the banks of the Hudson River where I can roll along on my own while my honey has our dog on her leash.
While I so enjoy our times at the park, I’m so very bored most of the other times. I don’t do anything, every day is exactly the same. My head tells me everyday that acceptance is the key to happiness, that I must try to figure out a way to accept my life as it is, I hope someday I can truly accept and truly be happy and not just put on my award winning performance 🏆.
As always, I wish you a journey filled with exploring new people, places and things – take time to learn from and enjoy each new adventure along your way!
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